Tuesday, July 15, 2014

8 SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOMING ROLLING STONE'S GREATEST GUITARIST EVER

The Angle: one of the Greatest Guitarists EVER.
Rolling Stone magazine came up with a list of the 100 Greatest Guitarists (EVER), and it's pretty clear that "a certain something" is required to make the cut. 

Take this guy, for example:

Obviously not one of Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest Guitarists.
However skilled the above guy may be, he wouldn't stand a chance. Now, meet his mom:

"Hi, I'm that guy's mom." – the mom.


"Yeah, but...  How can someone be Rolling Stone's GREATEST GUITARIST EVER?"

That, friends, is what we're here for. Brace yourselves.  

STEP 1: If you want to be Rolling Stone's Greatest Guitarist EVER, you need to merge with your mom:

Behold one of the Greatest Guitarists EVER (if not the absolute best)!



We can't emphasize enough the great importance of this step. You absolutely must adopt your mom's entire look: boho shirt, tight jeans or leggings, cowgirl boots (extra points for a higher heel), dangling earrings, Sioux nostalgia necklaces, oversized sunglasses and chic-yet-low-maintenance haircut (except that, unlike your mom's locks, yours should definitely look filthy). Ask yourself: "Would mom wear this?" and if the answer is "Yes, she would!" then you're on the right track to impress those music experts!

STEP 2: Beside borrowing your mom's wardrobe, you should also get a cool hat. Watch and learn:


Cool zodiac burglar hat worn by The Edge.

A cool hat made by/for one the greatest guitarists ever.

Jimi Hendrix's cool lady hat. Greatest Halloween EVER!

If you dig in deep enough, you can pull a Great Guitarist out of it.

Kurt Cobain's hobo-chic hat: best if paired with woman's sunglasses.

Alternatively, you could wear a headband or grow an afro, but keep in mind the cool hat is at least 30% of your cool Great Guitarist points.

"Whenever The Angle hides under his hat, the musical treasure in his leggings stands out." A Music Expert.

"The Angle's angle is poetic redundancy." - Music Expert

Which brings us to...

STEP 3: Adopting a cool stage name is not necessary, but it will totally help your cause. Also, it will make you seem extra suave when quoted:

"Playing guitar is a smooth mystical journey," said the Angle.
 
"... And then the Angle told me one evening, during an exclusive temazcal ceremony held at his villa in New Mexico: 'It's the peyote, man. You can't take peyote and not find your soul's true sound.' " Editor's Greatest Name-dropping Moments.

STEP 4: Music used to be a universal language. Bo-ring! That's like so two centuries ago. In order to become one of the Greatest Guitarists EVER, English should be your native language. Rolling Stone would weave this if you were Santana, who wore the coolest hat and matching trench coat to the World Cup's closing ceremony... But you're not him, so you can forget about making the list if you're Swedish, Finnish, Spanish, Italian, German or whatever. If you want to be list-worthy, your strings should make music English sounds.

STEP 5: Develop a cool pose to play that A chord in style. Anything that complicates the playing or decreases your physical comfort will make you look sexy and talented. 

"I'm not left-handed; the guitar is my lover. A demanding one." 
- the Angle.





























STEP 6: Die, hippie, die. Let's face it: you'd make the list much quicker if you were dead. Nevertheless, if you don't want to die before increasing your note pose repertoire, you should at least send Rolling Stone a daguerrotype of yourself looking like a classic.

"I'm the original classic!" the Angle

STEP 7:  Although learning how to play guitar is optional, the use of effects accounts for a somewhat important percentage of your Greatest Guitarist points. Knowing one note should be plenty; don't sweat it. Seriously, you don't get points for playing anything intricate. That being said, you get points for poetic weirdness. Document carefully!

"I use seashells as picks to imbue strings with the soulful flavor of the South." the Angle.













"The Greatest Guitarists will use the strangest plectrums."      
Editor's Greatest Epiphanies.

"Whenever the Angle played that funky upside-down guitar, I capsized in the foamy ocean of his psychedelic melodies."               Editor's Greatest Anecdotes.

The Angle's signature pick: a shell.

"When the Angle yanked that tremolo bar up and down, it was like gospel. One could hear sounds." Editor's Greatest Quotes.

STEP 8: Try to use a capo whenever that one chord feels too ambitious or too "techy" for you (trust us, you DO NOT want to be called that). Many of the guitarists on Rolling Stone magazine' list still use one (if alive), and they are the Greatest EVER!

Since we thought you might not believe how easy it is for Rolling Stone to love you, we gathered a few quotes from the actual commentary on their list to illustrate how your ability passion determination outstanding performance mom's attire will guarantee your spot in the limelight among the Greatest. We removed most of the musician's names 'cause it really doesn't matter whom the quotes refer to, and because it's more fun this way. Just replace with the name of any of the Greatest Guitarists EVER (why not your own?), and voilà. Enjoy!

“It's one note, but it's so melodic.”

"He's got infinitely more sounds than I have," John Mayer concedes admiringly.

“You were going to hear that guitar."


“[He] perfected the ability to play chords and melody simultaneously.” (Bravo, my friend. Bravo.)
 
“He took a Gibson guitar and plugged it into a Marshall, and that was it.” 

“His playing wasn't all untutored squall, either: See the […] quiet-loud-quiet dynamics on […] pretty much every other [Greatest Guitarist's song].” (Omygosh, quiet-loud-quiet dynamics are the best!)

“He wrote two-and three-note themes that were more powerful than any great solo."

"[They] have done more with three chords than any other human being," said Slash.

Anybody who picked up the guitar could do it. If you could keep a beat, you could play [like him]."

“He'd go up and down.”

“An effects-loving wizard.” (Understood. Wink, wink.)

"He […] rarely played solos, [he was] so full of sounds."

“I'm not technically good.”  One of the Greatest Guitarists EVER.

[The Edge] and his guitar tech document every detail of his sound – what pedals, what pickup he used – anything that he thinks he might use.”

It's not really a riff – it's a moment.”

“He was no virtuoso, and that's the whole point.”

“There's not one minute of his recorded career that feels like he's working hard at it.” (Clearly! Haha.)

“By snatching the electric guitar from note-shredding technicians and giving it back to artists, freaks and poets, [he] became one of the most important players ever.” 

See? According to Rolling Stone magazine, technical guitarists who shred are not artists. 

We fail to understand why Dimebag Darrell and James Hetfield are on that list, them not having cool hats, mom hair or cool women's apparel like the rest. Meh, it was probably due to a shortage of "artists" (who, of course, don't shred). What matters is that U2 you too have a chance of being noticed in a most objective fashion. So, what about leaving that guitar aside and paying your mom's closet a visit? Rolling Stone awaits!

A big thanks to Isabel Andújar for the endless laughs, and her special appearances as the Angle and that guy who will never be on Rolling Stone. Best Greatest Guitarist Ever!